Guilt, Choices, and Depression

Guilt is such a heavy word.  We all struggle with it.  We all want to disown it.  Guilt can drive us into making decisions that we never thought we’d make or it can keep us locked up like a prisoner.  We plot ways to escape, yet know we will never take that first step towards freedom; freedom that would be undeserved when so clearly we deserve to be punished.  So we get up the next day and do what others have told us is the right “choice”, one day after the next just making “it” happen.  In the process, you lose yourself, your sense of self-worth, and knowing who you were made to be.  Gradually you find yourself becoming unhappy, grouchy, unfulfilled, even depressed.

Look around, are you standing in the wilderness or stuck in a valley?  Are you struggling with who you are and what you are truly supposed to be doing?  Do you live with the fear and  guilt of letting your parents down, or maybe your spouse, possibly the closest friends who surround you?  Does your life just completely need a new direction?

When my hubby and I obeyed the Lord and moved out of our comfort zone, I set out on a journey.  A journey to find out who I was, to understand why I make the choices I make, and what does God say about it all?  Not my parents, not my pastor, not the “good” people in my life, but what does God, the creator of the universe think?  On this journey, I wanted to know why I did the things I did.  Was it because of “how I was raised?” or “what my parents taught me?” Or did I simply trust that what was handed down to them was “right” or “Biblical”?  I didn’t want decisions based on guilt to drive me anymore and so I began.

I once heard a story of a wife and a mother.  Every time she would make a roast for dinner, she would prep her meat by cutting the ends off before placing it in her pan to bake.  One day her husband asked her why she always cut the ends of the roast off before baking it.  “Because, that’s how my mother always did it.”  The next day she called her mother to find out why you have to cut the ends of a roast off before you bake it.  Her mom laughed and said, “Honey!  I used to cut the ends off of the roast because I never had a pan big enough to fit it all!”  Do you see what I mean?  Sometimes we live our lives based on what our parents did or how we were taught, without even knowing why we do what we do!

Micah 6:8

“And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”

Many times we can become trapped into thinking that what we are doing, who we have become, and where we have ended up is exactly where we are supposed to stay.  We went to college for “this” degree, we are now putting “that” degree into action, so aren’t we supposed to be content?  Next on the agenda is marriage, then babies, then raising them along with marrying them off.  This will lead to retirement, where we are supposed to travel, have coffee together every morning and have endless money.  If we veer off of this course, we feel helpless, alone, lost, and depressed.  Guilt can be a driving force all on it’s own, not even needing a driver.      My friend Cija and I were just talking last week how we are expected to live this “horizontal” life.  Look here what I mean:

From the moment we are born we are “programmed” to see our life in a cookie cutter fashion, first you do “this” and then you do “that”, staring down the road in front of us with the only goal being to make it to the end, just like everybody else.  But, what if college isn’t for you?  Does that mean you are a failure?  What if you don’t find that “soul mate” during your second year of college?  Are you doomed from ever getting married?  What if you haven’t had all your children before the age of 25?  Does that mean you are infertile and there is no hope of you ever having a baby of your own? No, no, no!  But over and over again we have been told what life should look like and so we spend our life trying to make it happen, afraid to veer off the course that has been laid out before us.  Some make it to the end having accomplished every milestone but still feel empty and wonder “is this really all there is?”  Others struggle to make it all happen the way they are “suppose to” and feel the heart palpitations start to set in, loss of control weighs you down deep inside, shattered self-worth wakes you up each morning reminding you that you’re not “matching up” to society’s standards or following the roadmap of life that has been handed down to you from generation to generation.

What if God has a different way, a different plan?  What if He actually wants us to have a “vertical” life that is in constant relationship with Him?  One that may not look anything like this “horizontal plan” we have been handed down from one generation to the next? What if this vertical plan included things like faith, trust, fearlessness, grace, love, and a new clean heart that cares about what God cares about?.  What if the horizontal line disappeared because instead, we were looking up through God’s filter, seeing this life from His perspective?  Looking UP to Him, through prayer and studying His word. Looking UP when deciding what we are supposed to do with our life?  Can you imagine the peace we would have if we would just stop and pray, asking God for His guidance and then simply following after Him as He leads us?  When will we trust Him?  Have real faith in Him and let go of the fear and mundane roadmap for life that grips us so tight?

Matthew 6:33-34

“Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.  Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things.”

Ready to leave this wilderness and get out of your valley?  Need something to change right now?  Seek Him!  Choose to put His Kingdom first so He can add all you need to your life.  Start your own journey to find out who God is, not the journey that your parents or spouse are on, but your own.  Let God show you who you are, why you make the choices you do, and what gifts He has given you!  Let go of this horizontal roadmap, this life of mediocrity, and look UP!

Philippians 4:6

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” 

While on my own journey to find out who God is, He has continuously shown Himself faithful.  He continues to break the chains that bind me, He allows me to see His grace and meets me right where I am, He shows me that I can’t earn more of His love than He has already given me.  I have realized that the more I put His kingdom first and seek who He is, the more my love for Him pushes me to want to read His Word, to get more involved with activities that involve Him, to love others as He loves.  This is my journey, a fresh journey, created by God for me!  I have been reborn to experience happiness like never before.  Guilt sheds itself, no longer holding my gaze down but allowing me to look UP!  And that, my friend, is what will bring you true happiness from the depression and despair that this world has to offer.

So get out there and start looking “Up with Abandon!”